I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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