Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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