the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
