I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think my vagina is haunted
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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