No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
