guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
