At least make sure they are 18
Why
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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