he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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