I wish my penis had an off switch
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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