White coat. Heels.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
