Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Holy sore nipples Batman
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
