I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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