she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
