You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
two words: eviction party
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
