i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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