I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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