what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
