You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
