just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
