Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
