I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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