Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
