he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i wish my penis had a tongue
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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