Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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