im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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