Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
