We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Why is your signature on my underwear?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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