How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
