I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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