When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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