mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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