So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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