Your face is a jimmy john
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
