Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
