i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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