Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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