I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
