She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
