About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
