Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
