so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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