just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
