No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Less talking, more tequila
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
