You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
