I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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