Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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