That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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