I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
