Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
