Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
