Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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